big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
