He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
