Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
