if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
