i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
