I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
