I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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