i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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