I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
