just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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