i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
