How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
