Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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