Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
