when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
