I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
accomplished twins. life is a go
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
