i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
