I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
