Don't make out with my wife yet
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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