OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
