girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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