you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
