Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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