Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
