i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just gift wrapped bread.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
