So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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