I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
