Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
