That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
