Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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