So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
two words...techno handjob
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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