If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
