i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
