Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
