I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
