I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
