Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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