She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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