just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
