i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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