bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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