So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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