if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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