Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
