i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
