How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
