you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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