I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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