she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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