I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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